being a single mother
- recent discussion among da mamas ended with statement about how we can often NOT be single women (ie dating or even living with someone who ain't da babay daddy) AND still be single mamas.
It's true. Somewhere in all this freedom and what-not, we allowed ourselves to date as single mothers, live with men as single mothers, be involved in nearly every aspect of a partner's life but still "maintain" single parent status unless there is a marriage. I, for one, am not down with this.
With my son's father, he had other older children, and we never married. I was never his sons' step-mother (a fact which confuses my 8 year old) nor was he a co-parent to my children, even when Eldest Daughter lived with us for the entirety of High School. He just left all the parenting, of our son as well, up to me. While I could be flattered if it had been out of deference to me being a far better parent, it was out of laziness, selfishness, cluelessness & seriously bad parenting (of my ex & by my ex).
With the fax my single motherhood was all about control; his of me. He used my son as a pawn, trying to manipulate me by what he would or would not do for my son. There was the ugly business of refusing to continue to take my son to school after the mid-year point. There was him trying to force me to choose between the two of them. I ALWAYS placed my son above him, no matter the odds he stacked against us. He only tried to be a "step-parent" when it suited some ulterior motive. He was angry, defensive and combative regarding me maintaining a civil relationship with my son's father. His jealousy & insistence that my ex was always working to get me back were his "reasons" why I should be a bitch {against my character} to the man who had fathered my son, who had visitation with my son and whose child support my then boyfriend would demand from me.
Even the healthier, more positive relationships I have had since "attaining" single motherhood status usually had well defined boundaries between our couple-ness & my Mama-ness, too. Even the 1 1/2 years of living with the geologist, though to his credit he was sincere in his offers to have my children live with us. And he never once complained about driving to pick them up for visits or for staying home with them when they were with us & I had work. He was good, but he was rare. Even the other photographer who was perfect with both the teens & the Little Dude, he said he didn't do families. His words & his actions didn't match up, but I have learned of someone tells you they are something listen. He was never going to be interested in moving the relationship to being a family, even if he was an amazing partner.
I had always thought that perhaps the best we single mamas should be looking for would be found in a single father who actually was involved in parenting his own children, not a Sunday Dad. But I had never found one - there had been a very very brief moment with one. His kids & my kid hit it off so well my kid had cried when the family date was over because he wanted to stay with them. I had, too, but the holidays had been right around the corner and he had ended up getting back together with his ex.
Recently, there had been a Mama discussion about what we wanted in a partner and I had spelled it all out. The Universe decided that it was finally time & I met Mr Right a few days later. Guess what? He's a single father of two daughters.We just spent our first day with Little Dude and I was happier than I could have ever imagined. I was not alone in being a parent. There were two parents reminding my son to use full sentences and ask please for his lemonade. There were two parents explaining the rules and what was acceptable. There were two parents requiring a verbal acknowledgments when talking to the child. There was my partner backing me up when the behaviour had not been acceptable and there had been a consequence. There was a partner respecting my son, as well as me. There were two parents. And there were two adults in love. There was a family. I had finally crossed that seemingly unattainable Finish Line to being both not a single woman and not a single mama.
