being a single mother
 - recent discussion among da mamas ended with statement about how we can often NOT be single women (ie dating or even living with someone who ain't da babay daddy) AND still be single mamas.

It's true. Somewhere in all this freedom and what-not, we allowed ourselves to date as single mothers, live with men as single mothers, be involved in nearly every aspect of a partner's life but still "maintain" single parent status unless there is a marriage. I, for one, am not down with this.

With my son's father, he had other older children, and we never married. I was never his sons' step-mother (a fact which confuses my 8 year old) nor was he a co-parent to my children, even when Eldest Daughter lived with us for the entirety of High School. He just left all the parenting, of our son as well, up to me. While I could be flattered if it had been out of deference to me being a far better parent, it was out of laziness, selfishness, cluelessness & seriously bad parenting (of my ex & by my ex).

With the fax my single motherhood was all about control; his of me. He used my son as a pawn, trying to manipulate me by what he would or would not do for my son. There was the ugly business of refusing to continue to take my son to school after the mid-year point. There was him trying to force me to choose between the two of them. I ALWAYS placed my son above him, no matter the odds he stacked against us. He only tried to be a "step-parent" when it suited some ulterior motive. He was angry, defensive and combative regarding me maintaining a civil relationship with my son's father. His jealousy & insistence that my ex was always working to get me back were his "reasons" why I should be a bitch {against my character} to the man who had fathered my son, who had visitation with my son and whose child support my then boyfriend would demand from me.

Even the healthier, more positive relationships I have had since "attaining" single motherhood status usually had well defined boundaries between our couple-ness & my Mama-ness, too. Even the 1 1/2 years of living with the geologist, though to his credit he was sincere in his offers to have my children live with us. And he never once complained about driving to pick them up for visits or for staying home with them when they were with us & I had work. He was good, but he was rare. Even the other photographer who was perfect with both the teens & the Little Dude, he said he didn't do families. His words & his actions didn't match up, but I have learned of someone tells you they are something listen. He was never going to be interested in moving the relationship to being a family, even if he was an amazing partner.

I had always thought that perhaps the best we single mamas should be looking for would be found in a single father who actually was involved in parenting his own children, not a Sunday Dad. But I had never found one - there had been a very very brief moment with one. His kids & my kid hit it off so well my kid had cried when the family date was over because he wanted to stay with them. I had, too, but the holidays had been right around the corner and he had ended up getting back together with his ex.

Recently, there had been a Mama discussion about what we wanted in a partner and I had spelled it all out. The Universe decided that it was finally time & I met Mr Right a few days later. Guess what? He's a single father of two daughters.We just spent our first day with Little Dude and I was happier than I could have ever imagined. I was not alone in being a parent. There were two parents reminding my son to use full sentences and ask please for his lemonade. There were two parents explaining the rules and what was acceptable. There were two parents requiring a verbal acknowledgments when talking to the child. There was my partner backing me up when the behaviour had not been acceptable and there had been a consequence. There was a partner respecting my son, as well as me. There were two parents. And there were two adults in love. There was a family. I had finally crossed that seemingly unattainable Finish Line to being both not a single woman and not a single mama.

a star to guide

The Star

Inspiration.

A glimpse of a transcendent way of life.

Good health.

"You are consciously on the way home in a spiritual sense."

Ok, wow, I don't have to be hit upside the head too many times. I get it - get back in touch with my spirituality.

Your time is better spent in reflection and spiritual pursuit. The card in the Advice position suggests a course of action which will harmonize what you want with what is currently possible.

The Star in this position advises that you rededicate yourself to your higher values, increase your spiritual cultivation and meditation practice and surrender to the greater good. Connect to your higher self--a being of a larger realm traveling on an evolutionary course that started long ago and runs indefinitely into the future. This is the part you wish to contact and communicate with.

Now is a period for quiet contemplation. Listen for the voice within. Anything that would interfere with this communion may not be serving your best interests right now.

Time for inner reflection, time to get things squared away internally. I have neglected these things in my constant search to get us settled, safe & keep us afloat.

One of the things I like best about knitting, crocheting etc is the mindfulness you can get into if the pattern is a no-brainer. And I used to meditate in my long hot soak at the end of the day in the Jacuzzi tub here. I used to walk down to the ocean, sit upon MY Rock and listen tot he ocean's voice. The traditional Star card usually depicts a woman pouring water & yesterday's Queen was ALL About water. I may live within walking distance of the water, but when was the last time I was there?

When was the last time I was with myself?

a card a day ~ parenting by the cards : )

Queen of Cups

"A beautiful, loving woman, intuitive, and yet practical, too. Happy marriage, vision."

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~

"At music, poetry, mothering and artistry, no one can compete with her - in everything else she is mediocre, at best."

I guess pulling a card that can be seen as a Mother is a good way to start this off. And it i s true; I feel best in these arenas - when we get into "real world" stuff, I can excel but I tend to falter as they are not my true homes.

I am an amazing retail manager, but it makes me nuts. I always wish there was a way in this society mothers got treated proportionally to the actual job we do. Hell, we should be paid - I don't know by whom, but what we do every minute of every day of childhood IS valuable & we shouldn't be forced to struggle to have outside of the home jobs so we can provide for our children as well as be the ones providing for them. I guess this was what marriage was for, back in the day; to ensure Mama was able to be home with the brood.

"When she appears in reference to an aspect of your own personality, the Queen of Cups should be taken as a suggestion to think carefully about how you use the vast stores of spiritual wisdom you have access to all the time."

I don't use it as much as I could, or should. As a single mother I get so caught up in making sure we survive, have food, housing, some sense of stability and nowadays security from abusive people. I really wish for my children there was a Hogwart's - if for no other reason than to be taught about those other things on the other side of the veil.

My dream would be to have nothing else to worry about but raising my children; teaching them lessons of History, Literature, Herbal Lore, about Life Cycles in the garden & Botany thru the plants we grew. I'd teach them how to make bread, discussing yeast and how to lives and what chemical reactions take place in a simple loaf of bread from beginning to end. In doing that, I could also teach them more about the spiritual side of things, not just what we need to learn to pass tests & "grow up."

$wiffer covers

Eldest Daughter used the cotton mop cover BEFORE I had a chance to take pictures of it. But she had some design requests for the next one which I incorporated into the acrylic sweep/dust cover. The trail run proved that the cotton cover in the tight Afghan stitch holds up well & she only needed to rinse it out afterwards, not wash it. I do not want covers we have to wash after each use. They are supposed to be conserving resources, including water & energy.

Green-y Stuff with Lemons

#1. I am still that idealistic mama I was 20 years ago when Eldest Daughter was born

#2. with the internet it is even easier to figure out how to do some of this stuff

#3. with shifts in thinking, more of the green stuff is readily available for purchase

#4. now I know how to knit, crochet, Afghan stitch = now I can make more things

#5. now the kids are more able to help out with this stuff

~*~*~*~

What am I raving about? Green stuff, DIY stuff, using less chemicals, saving money. When my daughters were little & I was younger, I rarely bought anything I could make - from pasta to stuffed animals. I started this blog a while back with the intention of chronicling my return to being "green" {as it's called now}. When I was younger, I was that "crazy hippy chick mama." I was a few steps behind the actual hippies, many steps ahead of today & definitely dancing to my own tune in the neighborhood where we lived.

My current projects are small, use lemons, but are simple & money saving {and maybe even money making!}.

We have a lemon tree which makes more than enough lemons to keep us in lemonade, so I have been using lemons to clean the house. Like actually cut a lemon in half, hand one to Little Dude and we wash down the cupboards & the floor with it. We were fostering a Mama Dog Lab and her litter of 7. Our back yard is ALL dirt. We live in a dust bowl. The lower kitchen cupboards and walls got dirt-ee. Wiping them down with lemons not only cleaned the dirt but made the house smell better than 7 puppies did. I even used cut up lemons to add to puppy bath time to help get rid of fleas they picked up being away for a weekend and then used a few more to clean the tub after their most recent bath.

For the floors, we would squeeze a lemon on to a particularly yucky spot of tile before using our $wiffer to clean it up. Ah, the $wiffer - a money sucking tool if ever there was one. But Eldest Daughter loves hers & since it is her job I have to make concessions. Now there are a million crocheted and knitted patterns for covers for these on-line, but not a single one for Afghan stitch, which I prefer when making wash cloths & dish cloths. So I have designed one! I completed the cotton one for mopping & am half-way finished with the acrylic one for sweeping. I will be taking pictures soon so I can post them in an Etsy store and sell them. Save AND make money!!!

change is in the air

The Eldest Child was promoted at her new job in less than a month and is now poised to go on strike. The Little Dude has outgrown another set of clothes & shoes. The last tadpole is a froglet whose almost lost his tail. There are only 3 puppies left & they have learned "fetch," "sit" and to walk on their leashes. Summer is just over, school begins on Monday. I am honing a new routine to return to stand up comedy after 18 years. Everything is shifting & we are trying to keep our heads above water.